As I grew older, I was better at hiding it. But I didn't make new friends often because of how scared it made me. I am sure that I was considered a snob and I know a lot of people thought I was a bitch. I really wasn't, I was just too scared to talk to anyone. I was totally intimidated by most of the people in my life. I wouldn't invite people, even my friends to go to church with me. Know why? Because I barely had a relationship with the people in my youth group and I knew if I took someone new the people in my youth group would ignore me and pay more attention to the person I brought with me. I didn't date local guys because I just knew none of the guys date me. On Friday nights the place you would mostly find me was at home. My self image was (and still is) horrible.
As an adult I am a lot better. I go above and beyond to make sure I make friends. Work friends anyway. But I still have issues. I don't participate in meetings. Group activities scare the crap out of me. It took me three years to be able to talk in my daily team meeting. I just didn't feel comfortable talking. I do presentations and teach, but please don't put me in a small group setting. I hate group activities. They are torture for me. I don't go to church socials, work socials or community socials. Even Rick's dad has said that I will only talk to you if we are in a one on one situation. Honestly, Rick and I have been married for 14 years and I don't really know his parents. Because I don't talk. They finally understand that it isn't them it's me.
Anyway, long (painful) story short...if you are reading this, and you know me personally, take this as an apology. I know that I have snubbed you. You invited me to a party or something and I backed out at the last minute. You sat with me at a table or in a group and I didn't talk to you. I am really not a snob or bitch. I can not handle social situations, fight or flight kicks in and I choose flight. I am a wimp.
Trust me, this hasn't made my life great. I don't have a lot of friends and I am frequently lonely. My husband is my best friend and I am so grateful for that. I can't think of a better friend, I am not complaining about that. But I do have a tendency to alienate people. The problem is this...I alienate them, they don't really have a desire to have a relationship with me, I still think we are friends. I hold tight to that relationship, then get my feelings hurt when it is obvious when they don't really trust me any more.
Okay, enough gripping. Really, I am not trying to make anyone feel sorry for me, please don't. I just wanted you to know, I am socially inept and sorry if I ever hurt you.
5 comments:
This is Faith using Bruce's account, meaning he will probably post something, too.
First of all....I use you as an example of one of the kindest persons I know...I may be biased, but you know our family situation, if you weren't nice, I would not say so....You know me....I speak when I should not and I say too much and am too opinionated....
Secondly.....YOU SAID "BITCH" UM..........I'm telling.......
Thirdly....I want to be a support in your life, as flawed as I am, not a hindrance....I love you dearly...I wish I could wave a magic wand and give you self confidence, but I have my own self confidence issues and I have even called you thinking you were mad at me because I worry about what everyone thinks, too.....
I LOVE YOU!!!
Your perfect and wonderful sister....(I do not need to put my name because there is only one and you know who it is.....)
Uh, this is Faith, again.....what an idiot....Second paragraph I just negated everything I said in the post by saying..."if you weren't nice I would NOT say so...." I meant to say, "if you weren't nice, I would say so..." However, doesn't the double negative cancel it out anyway?
Slap me and call me stupid......
Thanks, Faith. I love you, you know that. No, I am NOT mad at you :-)
Are you sure....? Or, are you just telling me that?
Well...I may say whatever it takes to get you to stop asking!!!
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